awe struck

Calvin’s Commentaries of The First Epistle of John.

chapter 1.
1. That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon, and our hands have handled, of the Word of Life;
2. (For the life was manifested and we have seen it, and hear witness , and shew unto you that eternal life which was with the Father and was manifested unto us.)

“He shews, first, that life has been exhibited to us in Christ; which, as it is an incomparable good, ought to rouse and inflame all our powers with a marvellous desire for it, and with the love of it. It is said, indeed, in a few plain words, that life is manifested; but if we consider how miserable and horrible a condition death is, and also what is the kingdom and the glory of immortality, we shall perceive that there is something here more magnificent than what can be expressed in any words.”

sparks

Gosh I have not blogged in forever,
Which is bad… because I am an external processor.
So here it goes.
I am engaged to marry a man. And from what I have observed about the expectations we all have is that the bride should to be jumping for joy, sparks flying out of her ears, floating around on clouds… etc.. but the truth is.. that is not true. It’s some sort of fantasy or allusion. The truth is, for everyone, single or not, that sparks only come out of our ears when we encounter the Lord. Nothing else. And I feel as though the Lord is teaching me this in a deep way because all I have ever wanted is to marry a great man that loves me like crazy.. and I am doing that.. but none of it has been fulfilling. The truth is that nothing on creation has been able to satisfy me even since I first met Him. My apatite for Him is unquenchable on this side of things because HE is the only thing that really truly can satisfy me.
So my Father has me in a season where literally nothing brings me joy, including: food, fashion, entertainment, family, friends, fiancé, attention, praises, caffeine, comfort, achievement, etc… get it.. literally nothing.
That sounds depressing. But, I am so unbelievably thankful for this because if I settled for created things I would miss out on TRUE SPARKS, marvelous INCREDIBLE sparks. It is by His grace that I am in this season and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The main emotion I feel is stress (begging God to force my heart to submit that to Him). And every few days I burst into humble tears because I am in awe of the gift God has given me in my Fiancé and community and the grace that He has granted me to need Him so much to love them.
So, if you are single, married, engaged and feeling the emptiness of your circumstances, you are not empty because of where you are at, you are empty because your Father is jealous over your heart and HE is graciously wooing you back to Himself. Oh, and because the things of this earth really ARE empty. The best most loving thing HE could ever do, apart from Christ, is break your idols over “mirage sparks” and give you real ones.
And that is just the TRUTH.

Men.need.respect.

I am fully convinced that Satan has a special hatred for marriage and relationships heading that direction. And why wouldn’t he? Marriage is the sweetest, most perfect picture of God’s covenant with his bride, the Church.

Here is a small example in my life where I can see him (the enemy) at work. You are not so sneaky, coward.

I am reading a book entitled “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldahn and the first part of the book talks a great deal about how for men to feel loved they need to feel respected.
I gained some great insight into fleshing out respect for the men in my life. Insight that is practical and applicable in everyday life. I am so thankful for that.
I found myself applying all these wonderful new insights to all of my male students, no matter the age. I let all my male students figure everything out on their own ( see “A Few Insights” below) and gave them extra instructions to give them more power over handling the horse. It was wonderful to build them up in the unique way they were created and watch them flourish.

But… not 3 hours later, when I was with my boyfriend, whom I love and respect above all men aside my dad, I seemed to have lost all insight gained. Or more plausibly, Satan was working overtime in a relationship seeking God and marriage.
Coleman was checking us out at Kroger at the Self-Checkout line, flipping through the vegetables to find the carrots and bells, and some how I found my fingers on the screen flipping against him back to the carrots….. I was trying to assist and even take over the STUPIDEST task that Coleman is MORE than capable of. In fact I am dating a man that can literally do anything. And I am not the type of person who needs to help out. So this is clearly something unseen at work.
There you have it.
But I am fully victorious in Christ. And today is a new day.

A few insights:
1) Men like to figure things out on their own and need you to trust that he can.
– If you don’t what you are really telling him is “You are stupid and inadequate” and “I don’t trust you”
2) Men need to be built up in public
–Any small joke at a man’s expense can strike a cord of insecurity in him and show a great deal of disrespect. (Ladies that also goes for when he is not around. )
3) We should always assume the best of them.

All of these things apply. No matter how much he has “earned” or not earned it.

“The only time a guy’s guard is completely down is with the woman he loves. So she can pierce his heart like no one else.”
Such a great responsibility we have women.

So Long Insecurity

I have begun to read a highly recommended book entitled “So long Insecurity” by Beth Moore. My immediate reaction to the title was “Oh that is for insecure girls. And I am not insecure. I think I’m awesome…”, but when I am honest with myself when certain random and unexpected events happen I have unexpected overwhelming bouts of irrational emotions.
Ok so I am not immune.

And before I dive into the rest of the text I am acutely aware that I am insecure because I do place my security in things other than the Lord, constantly. And this is revealed in my irrational bouts of emotion over my circumstances.

But just a few short pages into this book I find hope in these words:
“Just when I’m feeling all secure, like I’m God’s best friend, an earthquake splits that lofty mountain right down the middle. And boy, am I dismayed. I have a feeling we can never get so secure in ourselves that we cannot be moved. Can a rock move forward? Is the goal to the believing life to get to a place where we simply hold steady till we die? Maybe that’s part of my problem. Maybe I just get bored easily. I’m forever wanting to go someplace with God. I forget that in order to go, something has to happen to make me want to leave where I am.”

All of our falls are successful, because they reveal our depravity, turn our hearts to Him in a new way, grow us, and cause us to worship the One who does not fall.

I praise thee all the days of mine life.

Circumstances

A small glimpse at my own sick heart in regards to what I want for my circumstances and how I resent God and others for not getting what I want sparked the following ideas:

We all want our circumstances to be a certain way because we believe that, then when everything is “perfect” we will be happy.

But when things are good or “perfect” we are still not satisfied, in fact in most cases we become more unsatisfied and void of joy.

It is simply because this world was not designed to fulfill us God Himself is. So seeking anything else for fulfillment is like: needing water to survive, continuing to drink sand and wondering why you are so thirsty.

So whatever you feel entitled to in regards to your circumstances I encourage you to consider that whatever you get on this Earth will never fulfill you. EVER. You know its true. Turn your hardened heart towards the One you were designed for and you will find the greatest pleasure.

Fasting: Day 1

Facebook:
Today I had my password changed to ensure success
Food:
I decided to try to eat only 3/4 of what I normally eat for breakfast and lunch (and a normal dinner) and to deny myself the foods that I normally could spend all day thinking about for comfort and pleasure. Fasting food is gradual and you have to ease into it.
Fashion:
I wore some holister sweatpants, a zip up hoodie, tennis shoes, and no accessories (this is not my style, I felt plain and not cute).

The results:
1. I can already feel bondage being lifted and freedom being had.
2. I surprisingly do not miss facebook at all and feel free from the bondage it brought to my life.
3. I can already begin to taste the sweet fellowship with my Lover.
4. I feel a meekness and humbleness welling up ever so slightly in my heart, that “Me Last” spirit that is Supernatural and unexplainable.
5. I can begin to feel and hear the Spirit flow out of me once more in prayer, unquenched.
6. I can begin to see a small glimpse of His face once more. The scales are falling off.
7. My agenda and desires and slowly dropping to the floor, willingly and eagerly as my eyes are fixed on his sweetness
8. I don’t find my identity in the cloths that I am wearing because I don’t like the cloths that I am wearing.
9. I still feel self conscious about looking below my own fashion standards.
10. I still feel a tremendous lack of trust in the Lord’s willingness to provide for my life.

I feel like mary sitting at His feet: waiting, listening, not saying a word.

Ultimately I feel that this first day is creating the necessary space in my agenda and in my heart to enter into a deeper fellowship with Him in the next days to come.

Fasting: The 3 F’s

As a church, The Village Church, we are fasting for 10 days to seek to know God more and to quiet all of the distractions in our lives to allows space to get alone with Him.

I am fasting: Facebook, food, and fashion.

Facebook:
I am most distracted by my pride, idols, and desires through the avenue of Facebook. I spend a ridiculous amount of time on Facebook seeking affirmation and attention but ultimately satisfaction.
Food:
I have never been one to deny myself any kind of food. Having a fast metabolism allows me to hide my addiction to food. But it does not excuse the fact that I have a lustful appetite for food and an uncontrollable desire to fulfill that lust. And this attitude manifest itself in other areas of my life in the form of entitlement and the “Me First” attitude instead of the “Me Last” attitude that I am called to by Jesus.
Fashion:
I spend a considerable amount of thought into almost each outfit I wear to receive attention for being trendy, unique, and cute. I take a considerable amount of pride in my appearance and hold it as an idol in my heart. An idol that I am (almost) unwilling to relinquish to pick of my cross fully. An idol that has become an identity.

These are all drinking from wells to seek satisfaction outside of the Lord and anyone who has tasted the sweet Well of the Lord’s knows that all others are full of sand that leaves us thirstier and even more unsatisfied.

Fasting is a process. Here is mine.

Father,
You alone are the source of good things. No other can sustain me. No other can pleasure me. My bones, they long for You. My thirst is unquenchable. The sand I choose to drink, leaves me dead inside. But the Living water soars my soul. When I finally find the Fountain, peace and pleasure, they are mine. I need nothing else. No feast or abundance can satisfy my hunger, for a woman can not live on bread alone. Father I beg you to move inside of me. These things I have are bondage. Strip me so that I can see You clearly. So that I can have joy. Into the desert I must go to recognize my desperate thirst and the true source of Water to quench it.

The Weaver

My life is but a weaving betwixt the Lord and me,
I do not choose the color– He worketh steadily.
Oftimes He weaveth sorrow and I in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside.
Not till the loom is silent, and the shuttle cease to
fly
Shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason
why.
The dark threads are as needful in the Weaver’s
skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He
has planned.

“The Weaver”- Grant Colfax Tullar

This speaks to my heart, when I get anxious, fearful, discontent with where God has me. He knows. Period. He knows exactly what He is doing, my tiny scope can only see what my tiny scope can see.

There is no fear; when there is fear of the Lord.
-R

Flicker of Light

“The trees.. they wither when water is scarce, I do fade quickly apart from Your hands. I’m wholly desperate for a greater flame than this” -Allison Ann Young

Father,
I desperately need You. For my heart is sick and darkened and flees from You. Bring me back, gracious Father, into the Light, for my sake but for Yours too. Fight this battle for me Father, I am weak. My pride and insecurity blind me, clouding my mind, darkening wisdom. But You Father, You know all. Make me known to me and mostly make You known to me. Shower Your undeserving daughter grace, for that is all I can receive. Let the supernatural fall on me. I can see the Light.
-R
“Flicker of light, look all around. We believe lies. Forgetting what is True. Forgetting what is True… You light up our way again.” – Allison Ann Young